1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence???
9. Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT's a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved when you were in the bar.
12. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
13. You fall off the floor...
14. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
15. "Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"
16. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
17. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
18. Vampires and mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
19. At AA meetings you begin with: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
20. Your idea of cutting back means less salt.
21. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
22. The whole bar says "HI!" when you come in.
23. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
24. "Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
25. "I'm not drunk, you're just sober"
26. Roseanne looks good.
27. You don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
28. "That damned pink elephant followed me home again."
29. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
30. "I'm as jober as a sudge."
31. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
32. You've fallen and you can't get up.
33. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
34. "Beertender! Get me another bar!"
35. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
36. Your name is Ted Kennedy.
37. Foster Brooks appears sober to you.