Editor's Note: The following concoctions are called by different names: Malt Beverages, Alternative Beverages (and some clever people (like us) call them Malternative Beverages), and in some dark, disgusting places where ignorance is more prevalent than stink on shit (like, um, Texas), they're actually called Beer. Beer? This stuff? Bullshit, the following are not beer. Beer is barley malt, yeast, hops and water, or minor variations of those ingredients. These are to beer like Wine Coolers are to wine. However, they are quite popular (except maybe in Texas, cause if they tried them, they would know these are NOT beer, the freaking ignorant idiots), and since these are closer to beer than they are to wine or liquor, we will give them a forum in TOBP.

Bacardi Silver

Anheuser-Busch

Steve: OK, not a "beer," but it's got 5% alcohol, so it's worth writing about. This is one of the better malt beverages that I've had to date, and by far the best Busch product that I've ever had. You know why? It's not beer! They couldn't screw this up, because there's Bacardi rum in here, and that's someone else's recipe, not theirs. If it was theirs, it would've been paint thinner. Anyway, I hate hard liquor. Makes me sick just thinking about it, but I liked this. Good thing I only bought one 12 oz bottle, or there might have been problems. (3/23/2002)


Kris: Much better than Smirnoff Ice, which is saying a lot. Granted, I almost puked when I saw who makes it, but as Steve said, it's not beer. If you like Smirnoff Ice, you have to try this. (3/23/2002)

Hoopers Lemon Hooch

Wm Hooper & Co

Steve: The ads use a hooligan- sounding Englishman to push this alcoholic lemon brew. The label on the neck says that it's "English Original." However, it also says "Made in USA." This ad scheme by many companies is getting too weird, pretending to be from someplace they're not. One thing's for sure, though. This stuff is good. Many people down a few beers after laying mulch, mowing the lawn, or yanking weeds. Screw that, drink this instead. Cool, refreshing, thirst quenching, yet enough alcohol to make pulling weeds not seem so crappy. This is similar to One-Eyed Jack in flavor, but Hootch is much better. Not so tart, smoother, more drinkable. For the college girls who throw down wine coolers, this is for you. You will probably look a little cooler, almost like you're drinking a beer. And this will get you drunk quicker than Bud (in most states), with 4.7% ABV. (12/7/1999)

Mike's Hard Lemonade

Mike's Hard Beverage Co

Kris: I didn't like this the first time I tried it (over a year ago). I gave it a three on the TOBP scale. Well, I'm happy to report I tried it again over the weekend at a friend's party, and for some reason, liked it alot more. I guess I was on crack the first time. As with all malt beverages (except for Zima, which just plain sucks), this has a nice, sweet taste with a good jolt of alcohol. It's not beer, but if you're looking for something different, go ahead and try this. (12/21/2002)

One-Eyed Jack

JLBC Co

Steve: This is a malt beverage like Zima. It is an alcohol lemon brew, with a taste reminiscent of a weak mixed drink. The flavor, however, of sour lemonade, or a lemon tea, is strong. Ice cold, this would be awesome in the summer. Give it a try.

Skyy Blue

Miller Brewing Co

Kris: I'll be honest, I didn't really like this. Perhaps it had something to do with the taste. Unfortunately, I couldn't put my finger on what it tasted like, exactly. Maybe if I hadn't just had a Bacardi Silver right before trying it, I'd have liked it better, but I doubt it. I'll be sticking with Bacardi or Smirnoff for my malternative beverage of choice. (4/26/2003)

Smirnoff Ice

Smirnoff

Kris: Ahh, liquid candy. Ok, so I admit, this is definitely not beer. And it starts to lose something if I drink a lot of it over an extended span. But if I haven't had it in awhile, this will kick the crap out of most beers. It's similar to Mike's Hard Lemonade, but much much better. Think of it as watching hockey, vs. watching the Devils. Hockey is fun to watch (unless it's two suck-ass teams like, oh, say, the Islanders and the Rangers), but it's nothing when compared to watching the Devils. If you're not a Devils fan for this analogy, pretend you are. (8/9/2001)

Smirnoff Ice Triple Black

Smirnoff

Kris: Tastes very much like the original Smirnoff Ice, but smoother. It's also clear, and that's a very good thing, considering the original looks like semen. Don't know about you, but drinking man-goo out of a bottle doesn't appeal to me. Not that there's anything wrong if you do get off on that (literally or figuratively). The beer purists out there won't like this, because it isn't beer. But that's fine, because that means more for me. (11/8/2003)

Sublime Hard Raspberry Lemonade

Long Beach Brewing Co

Steve: This is one of those malt beverages, that is supposed to be cooler than wine coolers. Elvis-cool, not temperature, that is. I suppose this is a bit better than a wine cooler, but that's because this isn't as fizzy (thus not as girly). Basically, if you've just driven home in 95 degree heat, in a bumper-to-bumper traffic situation, with no air conditioning, this is what you want to open up. It tastes quite a bit like lemonade, and who doesn't like lemonade? And since I live in Atlanta (which is closer to the sun than anyplace else on earth), this is even better still. However, I do not recommend drinking this during the Arkansas-Tennessee game, because you are bound to be bitch-slapped. Even Kris' wife would be laughing at you. However, this is what you want to open after mowing the lawn on the hottest day of the year....if a glass of sweet tea isn't available, that is. Plus, this is way better than those other hard lemony drinks I've reviewed. (11/3/2000)

Twisted Tea Hard Iced Tea

Twisted Tea Brewing Co

Kris: Ok, so there wasn't a party in the bottle, but this was really good, regardless. It tasted like, get this, iced tea. Now before you all give me a collective "duh!", by that I mean it didn't taste like alcohol. At 5% ABV, that was pretty surprising. Problem with that is I just kept drinking and drinking them and woke up with a nasty hangover the next day. Ah, it's tough being a beer reviewer. Yeah, I know, this isn't beer (except in Texas, apparently). You people are so frigging picky. (10/20/2002)

Vex Hard Lemonades

Vex Hard Beverage Co

Guest Review - Steven S: Most people comsider this to be just a cheap immitation of the #1 cooler in Canada - Mike's Hard Lemonade. Just because Mike's sells the most doesn't mean it's the best. Mike's sugary and soury after-taste turned me to other coolers to enjoy during the short summer months we get in Canada. Vex doesn't have the sourness of Mike's, but the sugar/sweetness is still present. What ultimately drove me to Vex was its crisp taste, and how it fizzles in your mouth. When you find yourself drinking water to wash the sourness out of your mouth after 2-3 bottles of Mike's, then you'll wish you drank Vex instead. (6/16/2001)

Woodchuck Draft Cider (Amber)

Green Mountain Cidery

Steve: This is like a really good champagne, without the side effects. It had a sweet, apple wine taste, very effervescent. This is a great change from the same old thing. If I had had this a year ago, I would have had this at my wedding instead of One Eyed Jack (or, I would have had them both).

Woodchuck Draft Cider (Dark and Dry)

Green Mountain Cidery

Kris: This is like the Amber, just darker and drier. For those of you Bud drinkers that have no idea what that means (I think that means all of you), it's just not as sweet. A great drink to down before watching the Devils win, especially if that win comes at the expense of the Flyers, whose fans are literally a bunch of fags, or the Rangers, who are better at golf than hockey these days. If you can drink one or two of these before watching the Anti-Christ Lindros take a career-ending hit from, say, Scott Stevens, all the better. (10/20/2001)

Woodchuck Draft Cider (Granny Smith)

Green Mountain Cidery

Kris: I didn't think this was as good as the Amber. Too tart and sweet for my tastes. Think of a Sour Apple Blow Pop, and you know what it tastes like. I'm sorry, but there isn't much more to say. (10/9/2001)

Zima

Coors Brewing Co

Steve: This malted alcoholic beverage started the whole trend of drinks that aren't quite beer, aren't quite wine coolers, and still no one is sure what to make of people who drink them. Are they gay? Are they tired of beer? Are they just trying to jump on a bandwagon quicker than Ricki Lake on a liberal cause (or a jelly donut)? I think it's a little of all three. Seriously, this isn't too bad, although I prefer the more lemony ones, but only because I'm aware that it's hard to look gay with a wedding ring, and I am secure with my manhood. This tasted kind of like a Sprite with a bit of alcohol, which rumor has it that this has quite a bit of. However, I have a real hard time believing that the brothers on an inner-city basketball court are going to ask for this after a hot, sweaty game. Maybe that sissy-looking guy in the dance club who gets frozen to the pole, but definitely not the brothers. (9/22/2001)

Zima XXX Hard Black Cherry

Coors Brewing Co

Kris: I have a new favorite malternative beverage. I recall original Zima tasting like crap. This does not. This literally tastes like Black Cherry soda. It's excellent. Well, that's it for the drink. Now, the label: In very small lettering, it states "Ale in TX". Instead of calling this a beer, they now call it an ale. Hoo-whee!!! This almost qualifies Texas as Most Retarded State in the Union, unfortunately, Georgia holds that honor in perpetuity. And people make fun of New Jersey... Pfft! (4/3/2004)


Steve: This latest offering from Zima is nothing more than alcoholic Black Cherry soda. In other words, it is a screaming call to drink for college girls who wish to drink for hours, get higher than a kite, and not have to taste anything offensive (at least, not before they leave the bar). As for the whole "Ale in TX" thing, I have no idea what they're doing. Sure, Georgia is full of dummies, but at least we don't call this "ale." And while I didn't get the stiffy that Kris did over this offering, I did think it was pretty good. (7/24/2004)