Home > Beer Reviews > Trailer Park Beers
Editor's Note: Saturday night and you're stuck at home. Got no money or friends, your pickup won't start, you can't hunt rats at the dump because you pawned your gun. Nothing else to do but pick fleas out of your dawg, beat your wife, bang your sister, watch "wrasslin", or rotate the tires on your house? (you get the idea... we could go on all day) Might as well complete your downward spiral by putting the alcohol in alcoholic, and choose one or more of the following beers, chosen by the editors of TOBP for your drunken pleasure. (disclaimer)
Kris: Yep, Budweiser is definitely the King of Beers. Best beer I've ever tasted. Wait, this isn't for Budweiser Budvar? Oh. Anheuser-Busch's Bud? Oh, no, that crap sucks. (2/15/2004)
Steve: This beer is the poster child for the mega North American breweries. There are many reasons to hate this beer. I'll try to touch on a few so that every group is represented. My past opinions of Bud have drawn much hate mail questioning my manhood, sexuality, sanity, and patriotism. I hope this review finds you equally as offended. First and foremost, have any of you ever actually tasted this beer? Not drank, mind you, but tasted. Chugging this to get drunk is not tasting, because as any beer connoisseur will tell you, you have to savor the beer by drinking slowly, to absorb the different flavors. If most of you did that, you would pour the rest down the drain. This is awful. I'd compare it to water, but that's not fair to water. Water is drinkable. Second, I have a few friends in England who have vouched that Bud in Britain is higher in alcohol content over there. So, Bud assumes that Americans are not distinguished enough, and they sell us the crap and ship the good stuff overseas. That should offend any good beer-drinking American. Thirdly, they used to (cannot verify if they still) donate money to gun control causes (probably because they don't want their more, how should I say this to avoid offending all of you, redneckish clientele from constantly blowing each other away). Personally, I don't care; just thought some of you might want to know that. Fourthly, their business practices are vile. They have held up Budejovice (the Czech translation of Budweis) Budvar in a legal battle for "territory" for decades. If Bud was that sure of their quality, why not let them market in the US and compete head-to-head? Budweiser is German for "Someone from Budweis." Last I heard, Bud comes from St Louis, not Budweis. That's misadvertising, and they're accusing Budweiser Budvar of copyright infringement? Bud claiming to be a "Budweiser" is like Hillary Clinton passing herself off as a senator from New York (please see my rant on her). Let a respectable, decent tasting beer use that title. So, to summarize, it's crap, and its parent company engages in disgusting business practices, which is why you should not drink this stuff. And if your issue is price, try Miller or Coors. If your argument is that it's the best selling beer in the world, that's only because they've proven that we can be bought with flashy advertising. Don't let Anheuser Busch win your mind, think for yourself. (2/22/2002)
Steve: Imagine Bud. Ok, imagine watered-down, stale Bud. That's Busch. Brewed with water from the mountains of Busch, and lots of it.... Water, that is. Won't get you drunk unless you take in a keg IV. (7/28/2001)
Guest Review - KennyNC: Busch...if you want a beer real bad, then we've got a real bad beer. (7/28/2001)
Steve: See Busch.
Steve: While this does have the redeeming quality of 5.5% alcohol, I am convinced that this is the Japanese Miller High Life, evidenced by the slogans on the can ("Good Value and Quality" and "Brewed for Good Times"). This is entirely unremarkable. I feel bad for my friend who brought this back from Japan, because this took up space in his luggage. Hell, I could've bought this beer here, but it would've had a Budweiser label on it. This is the perfect beer for all of those people having fun in the cigarrette ads. I was able to finish this, and it didn't burn or anything, but the effort wasn't worth the end product. (11/23/1999)
Tim: In Asia you'll find this stuff in oversized cans with these dragon spouts to tap it with. You can tell it's the kind of beer you buy when you're planning to have a big pisser. It's that kind of beer. Drinkable but a bit of a rice funk to it. I think that if you drank a lot of this you'd feel sick the next morning. Even after a couple I had a bit of gut rot within the hour. Or maybe that was the squid balls. Oh the things you do when you're drinking in the far east. (3/3/2007)
Lakeport Honey Lager
Lakeport Beverage Corporation
Tim: This beer is dirt cheep and all the kids buy the stuff. It's as if it's trendy without really being trendy at all. You see, "honey" beers are trendy in Canada. Sleeman made a name for itself with their honey brown and now everyone wants to cash in on the popularity of that style. So this is clearly the low budget answer to the honey brown craze. At $1 a beer, this stuff is will soon turn up at your friends cottage, the next camping trip, or a backyard bbq. So how does it taste? Well it's watery with a basic lager taste. There's a bit of a honey taste in there, but it's faint. This leaves you with a beer breath aftertaste and before too long some chemical induced sickness. Although really you can drink 4 or 5 of these before that really kicks in. Overall it's easy drinking and decent. For the price its not really anything you wouldn't expect. (4/15/2007)
Lakeport Beverage Corporation
Tim: I've got to give this beer credit for being cheap. Don't let the name fool you. This is just watery beer, far from being a "pilsener". I rated this the same as the honey lager, but frankly I'd reach for this instead. It's not much for taste, but it's not too carbonated. My experience has been that you can drink this all day without getting the gut rot and head thumping hang over that the honey lager might give you. (5/12/2007)
Lone Star Brewing Co
Steve: Until a few years ago, this was only available in Texas and Louisiana, and college kids from the Midwest would go on road trips to get the stuff. Do you all remember the same phenomenon with Coors, which until the late 70s was only available west of the Mississippi? And it was so damn popular, and then they sold it everywhere, and then we realized it actually sucks? Same scenario with LS. This is an ordinary lager, albeit better than Coors. Folks, this ain't worth the effort.
Sam: I'm gonna disagree with Steve on this one, up to a point. Yeah, it's an ordinary lager. But it's far superior to the dreck pumped out by Coors, Miller, and Buttwiper. Ice cold, it's a damn fine beer, perfect for wettin' yer whistle after takin' the wheels off yer home. Besides--it's the National Beer of Texas. What God-fearin', flag-wavin', Bush-worshippin' Texan worth his salt wouldn't drink this beer? And have you seen the babe on their ads? She is hot! (9/13/2003)
Kris: Ok, we got it, it's made in Texas. The Nation of Texas, in fact. Of the many many many phrases on the label proclaiming it to be from Texas, the funniest is "The National Beer of Texas". Apparently egos are also bigger in Texas, along with "everything else". Anyhoo, the beer is not bad, but it has a nasty metallic aftertaste. Would I pick up a sixer to drink? Not bloody likely. But I also wouldn't turn one down if it were free. (4/23/2005)
Miller Brewing Co
Steve: This sucks. Badly. Not as bad as Natty Light, but not as good as Bud, which should tell you something. This is Miller's response to Natural Light to catch the trailer park crowd. Cheaply made, cheaply sold. No excuse for a beer.
Milwaukee's Best Ice
Miller Brewing Co
Guest Review - KennyNC: Steve says that the Beast "sucks...no excuse for a beer." I can buy that. But since I was low on funds today, about all I could afford was Milwaukee's Best Ice. At a whopping 5.9% alcohol by volume, I figured that after two or three I could forget what I was drinking anyway. I was also raised to believe there is some good in all people and all things. Well, this swill really put my upbringing to the test. Sure, I got drunk. But getting drunk with MB Ice is like making a million dollars as a proctologist for Rosie O'donnell...you might reach your goal, but the journey is far too unpleasant for most. I give this beer two mugs only because being ice-brewed gives it more of a punch, but by God I'm working overtime next week so I can afford something good. (8/25/2001)
Steve: This is the poster child for Trailer Park Beers. If you live in a house that had to have the wheels removed, if you were ever on an episode of "Cops" while wearing a wifebeater T-shirt, if gardening involves tractor tires painted white, laid flat on your yard, and filled with potting soil, or if you call anybody a Yankee who lives north of the Arkansas River, then you probably have some of this in your fridge...which is probably sitting on your porch (so you can get at it quicker while shooting rodents from your deck chair). This "beer" makes Budweiser sound good. Contrary to my previous review, I'm embarrassed to say I have tried this, when I was in college 10 years ago. My review? It sucked. Even by college student standards, and I knew guys who would drink Boone's Farm and Mad Dog in a pinch. No taste, no body, no redeeming factors. Not even a decent alcohol content. If you drink it for economical reasons, I can certainly sympathize...Old Style was my "budget beer." If you drink this because you think it tastes better than other beers, then you need to start going to meetings, because you've got a problem. I know many of you will have a problem with this assessment, and I look forward to your comments in our Guestbook. If you would like suggestions for better "budget beers," I will be happy to share my knowledge. (8/24/2002)
Guest Review - KennyNC: After thoughtful consideration, I rank Natural Light as my nineteenth favorite beer. My eighteenth favorite is Dying of Thirst. (8/24/2002)
Pabst Blue Ribbon
Pabst Brewing Co
Steve: Drinking PBR out of a can will give you a headache and strange gas. Out of a bottle or on tap it is identical to the other domestic giants: watered down garbage. The actual taste is better than Bud though.
Tim: The story is that this beer was "selected as America's best in 1893." So either beer in America has come a long way since then or they've seriously strayed from the original. This beer is watery, and if you let it get warm don't even bother finishing it. The taste is actually decent, but just not noticeable enough. Good for boiling hot dogs in. (7/10/2004)
Alley Kat Brewing Co
Steve: From NC, it says it's Union Made (probably by the United Auto Workers, judging by the quality and taste). They should have employed a beer union worker or two. This compares to Natural Light. You know how the last 1/2 inch of a normal beer tastes? This is worse. Yes, I hated it.
Rheingold Extra Dry
Steve: This is New Yorks answer to Pabst or Old Style, I think. This may have been a big beer at one time, but no longer. It wasn't deadly, but it was kind of weak. Stronger and more flavorful than Bud or Coors, I guess. A classic American pale lager. This has probably the plainest label I have ever seen on a beer. (10/10/1998)
Cerveceria Cuauhtemoc Moctezuma
Tim: So this is widely available where I live, but not quite as well known as Corona. So it seems that those who want to seem like they're just a little more "in the know" drink this at Mexican restaurants and various warm weather functions. The thing is that I don't know that it really tastes any better than Corona...or much different. It's watery and will quench a thirst. But there's also a little corn funk in there too. It kinda sucks. In Mexico I certainly took to thinking that the name was appropriate because you're "S-O-L" if this and/or Corona were the only beers available. You can do so much better. (2/5/2012)